Back To Basics - Your Approval Required
/On March 28th, 2014, I wrote
(parts 1 and 2)
because I'd realized that I'd gotten stuck in making sure everyone else was happy and I stopped hearing my own thoughts. There's a difference, however, between being responsible in your treatment of others and being responsible for the happiness of others.
Source:
http://protectyourdreams.blogspot.ca/2014/07/back-to-basics-your-approval-required.html
A few days ago, I posted something on Facebook (I tend to post only encouragement, so this was rare):
"
I fell for that age-old trick. No more. I will not compromise. My ability... is not an affront to you. Be where you are, I will celebrate your successes, but don't ask me to be less so you can feel validated.
"
I was having a rough day - a downward spiral in my mind of everything I've done wrong and how my mistakes may have made others' stumble.
It started with a couple disapproving looks and some less-than-subtle comments from some people who've made some wrong assumptions about my life, but of course (according to my boyfriend),
I approved their application to 'take up real estate' in my head.
I sometimes think I'm alone in this, but yesterday, so many people related so strongly to this post, that I started to realize that this is an issue many others probably face.
By the time I'd gotten home, I'd started to see how many people in my life
I've fallen into "holding myself back" for, so they can feel better.
Whether that's a strength I have that they don't share (or perhaps don't know that they
do
share), or my drive and discipline around work and quality, that they either don't care about or haven't achieved yet.
The opposite is also true.
There are things I still struggle with, that others have probably never struggled with, and they really look down their noses at me for it. Often, these are the same people I don't come down on for being 'weak' in my areas of strength.
Source:
That afternoon, I felt like I was drowning.
The burden of walking on eggshells:
holding myself back because of other people's need for validation, and beating myself up because I make mistakes that perhaps others don't and I'm afraid I've corrupted others by sharing my mistakes,
is simply too much.
Recently, however, I've been repeatedly reminded that, first, that is not my burden to carry, and that, second, it is my right to approve (or disapprove) someone's 'freedom' to speak into my life, to place their expectations on me. I don't have to let the 'needs' and expectations of those I'm close to, determine my decisions. So...I choose to approve none of the 'applications',
regardless of how bold, old, close, knowledgeable, the 'applicants' are.
It's still hard to move that knowledge from my head to my heart, but I caution those of us who spend all of our time in community and carry this burden:
This
is a big part of why we all need some time alone
to hear ourselves think!
Once you're clear on how you think, feel, see things - on what your desires and needs are - then others are just supposed to be sound-boards to test your ideas.
They're not supposed to decide for you.
I'd advise that you keep others' out of those decisions, for now.
Discipline yourself to learn to make (and trust) your own decisions.
Even if you make mistakes, you're strengthened by a renewed sense of "ownership"! You made the decision, and you're strong enough to deal with the consequences. As this 'decision' has become an 'experience', you have concrete (not 'fear-based') evidence of why you're taking the next step you're taking - whatever that may be.
Try it!
Sound counsel is very important. Community is important. Truly, no man is an island, and we are stronger in community, but that is generally true because
each individual member of the community brings who s/he inherently is, to the table.
That makes for strong community.
So, who are you?
If you're always surrounded by 'community' that's manipulating, controlling - even with 'good intentions' - it's not a community that is beneficial to you, or to the community itself.
For your sanity - and for that community you care so much about - make the time to simply
sit and 'BE'.
Share all those those inner thoughts you have never shared with anyone, release all of those emotions you never release because they're "bad/wrong", in your moments alone - out loud, if you can, or in a journal. Only then, when these things are all brought into the light, can we see clearly to make decisions. Community offers support, yes, but who are they supporting when you can't hear your own thoughts anymore?
Make the time.
