Back To Basics - Your Approval Required

On March 28th, 2014, I wrote

In Honour of Your Freedom

(parts 1 and 2)

because I'd realized that I'd gotten stuck in making sure everyone else was happy and I stopped hearing my own thoughts. There's a difference, however, between being responsible in your treatment of others and being responsible for the happiness of others.

Source:

http://protectyourdreams.blogspot.ca/2014/07/back-to-basics-your-approval-required.html

A few days ago, I posted something on Facebook (I tend to post only encouragement, so this was rare):

"

I fell for that age-old trick. No more. I will not compromise. My ability... is not an affront to you. Be where you are, I will celebrate your successes, but don't ask me to be less so you can feel validated.

"

I was having a rough day - a downward spiral in my mind of everything I've done wrong and how my mistakes may have made others' stumble.

It started with a couple disapproving looks and some less-than-subtle comments from some people who've made some wrong assumptions about my life, but of course (according to my boyfriend),

I approved their application to 'take up real estate' in my head.

I sometimes think I'm alone in this, but yesterday, so many people related so strongly to this post, that I started to realize that this is an issue many others probably face.

By the time I'd gotten home, I'd started to see how many people in my life

I've fallen into "holding myself back" for, so they can feel better.

Whether that's a strength I have that they don't share (or perhaps don't know that they

do

share), or my drive and discipline around work and quality, that they either don't care about or haven't achieved yet.

The opposite is also true.

There are things I still struggle with, that others have probably never struggled with, and they really look down their noses at me for it. Often, these are the same people I don't come down on for being 'weak' in my areas of strength.

Source:

protectyourdreams.blogspot.ca

That afternoon, I felt like I was drowning.

The burden of walking on eggshells:

holding myself back because of other people's need for validation, and beating myself up because I make mistakes that perhaps others don't and I'm afraid I've corrupted others by sharing my mistakes,

is simply too much.

Recently, however, I've been repeatedly reminded that, first, that is not my burden to carry, and that, second, it is my right to approve (or disapprove) someone's 'freedom' to speak into my life, to place their expectations on me. I don't have to let the 'needs' and expectations of those I'm close to, determine my decisions. So...I choose to approve none of the 'applications',

regardless of how bold, old, close, knowledgeable, the 'applicants' are.

It's still hard to move that knowledge from my head to my heart, but I caution those of us who spend all of our time in community and carry this burden:

This

is a big part of why we all need some time alone

to hear ourselves think!

Once you're clear on how you think, feel, see things - on what your desires and needs are - then others are just supposed to be sound-boards to test your ideas.

They're not supposed to decide for you.

I'd advise that you keep others' out of those decisions, for now.

Discipline yourself to learn to make (and trust) your own decisions.

Even if you make mistakes, you're strengthened by a renewed sense of "ownership"! You made the decision, and you're strong enough to deal with the consequences. As this 'decision' has become an 'experience', you have concrete (not 'fear-based') evidence of why you're taking the next step you're taking - whatever that may be.

Try it!

Sound counsel is very important. Community is important. Truly, no man is an island, and we are stronger in community, but that is generally true because

each individual member of the community brings who s/he inherently is, to the table.

That makes for strong community.

So, who are you?

If you're always surrounded by 'community' that's manipulating, controlling - even with 'good intentions' - it's not a community that is beneficial to you, or to the community itself.

For your sanity - and for that community you care so much about - make the time to simply

sit and 'BE'.

Share all those those inner thoughts you have never shared with anyone, release all of those emotions you never release because they're "bad/wrong", in your moments alone - out loud, if you can, or in a journal. Only then, when these things are all brought into the light, can we see clearly to make decisions. Community offers support, yes, but who are they supporting when you can't hear your own thoughts anymore?

Make the time.

In Honour of Your Freedom (Part 2)

Part 1

of this mini-series set out to help you appreciate you – just you – because it is imperative to your ability to truly be free. Free of the need to hide from yourself and others, from fear of facing fears, and free to enjoy every moment of your life. I hope, having read Part 1, that you’ve started thinking about your boundaries – that sets the stage for Part 2 – you with others.

Boundaries – You with Others

Worth the Risk

Life’s lesson

is the process of

learning to love unconditionally.

 Parents, siblings, spouse, children - it's clear. In identifying, and then setting,

boundaries,

therefore, we have to

balance self-preservation with accepting others

as they are. Now, to those of us who are

“

all or nothing

”

about relationships, I caution against missing out on great people by being too rigid.

No one is perfect,

so as humans, we inevitably hurt each other sometimes.

Relationships are messy.

Source: http://bit.ly/1iIj92D

Wisdom is Priceless

That said,

boundaries

are meant to

keep us safe at each stage

of that process. It helps us to

be true to where we are

in that process, able to walk with others who help us grow

in the tough and the great parts

of love, but

safe from those who would destroy us

because of how

vulnerable we are,

and

where they are

– too needy, too critical or

abusive in any way.

Even in accepting others,

we are not supposed to enable bad behaviour.

Forgiveness ≠ Reconciliation

.

Community - Free to Be

Sisterhood (Brotherhood) is Imperative to Your Freedom

Community should be

a truly safe space where you're fully known

and, even if not completely understood, fully accepted and

invited to simply be.

Find those of your gender that

don’t make you apologize for being

imperfect or emotional – this includes the ‘male ego’.

 Start with one person. Examine your boundaries and whether or not you’re comfortable enough to build a relationship with this person.

Note:

You need friends of other genders as well – please. My brother is one of my closest friends. That said, there is simply something unspoken that can only be attained with those of your gender.

Source, Girls: http://mingusillustration.com/kids/girls-sleepover.jpg

Source, Boys: http://www.casacenina.com/catalog/images/img_103/bothy_sxc2.jpg

Your Clients should Love that You Have a Life

For those of you whose dream or passion is to

help others through business,

it is so easy to become

a slave to your clients

– forgetting that this was a major reason for leaving corporate in the first place.

My coach,

Carol Schulte

(

@carolschulte_

 website under construction), has driven home the purpose of a client profile – 

“Identify the right clients for you”.

Just as you are careful who you let into your everyday life, you should

be careful who you dedicate your

time, energy

and

expertise

to in business.

You'll find all the technical checklists for a client profile online – budget, earnings, number of employees, years in business – but

only you know the relationship values

that matter –

respect, temperament, schedule

and

value for your product or service.

Live Where It’s Easiest for You to Thrive 

People, fun, jobs/clients, culture, food, weather

– I've been thinking about this a lot, lately. Toronto has afforded me a

freedom to be myself,

unencumbered by the

"fear of disappointing loved ones”

. It is lovely, and will always be dear to me, but

it has never felt like home.

They say

'home is where the heart is'

, and perhaps it is a mindset, rather than an atmosphere, that determines where home is.

I’m not so sure.

Nisha Moodley

said

"You can put a plant in sub-optimal conditions, and it’ll do its best to thrive.  I’m the same way, growing my way through the cracks in the sidewalks wherever I land.  But when it comes to choosing a place to call home, I’ve realized how important it is to live where it’s easiest to thrive..."

and

it is so true.

Your home is your sanctuary.

When your entire day goes wrong, it’s where you recharge to face the next day.

City: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/b/b4/Toronto_ON_Toronto_Skyline2_modified.jpg

Beach: http://www.homedit.com/20-modern-living-rooms-that-will-make-you-instantly-drool/

In December (2013), my mother asked me,

"Why do you take the most difficult paths in life?"

 I’m still ruminating over that, but this is one of the areas in which

I ask myself the same question.

In Christianity, your relationship with Christ calls you to rest in God in the midst of storms.

You do not seek out storms.

Freedom

Freedom

is not some frivolous concept that flirts with the notion of no responsibilities and “never having a bad day”. Au contraire,

it is a lot of work,

but it can be

smart work, rather than hard work.

 If you make the time to

get clear on who you are

and

what you really want,

then

that work has a purpose.

Being

true to yourself

seems to be at the crux of attaining freedom.

I’d start there.

Check out

"Back to Basics. Your Approval Required."

to help keep you focused.

Do You Really Want It

Today!

You psych yourself up to

pursue your dreams hard today.

You get started on an

immense high.

Suddenly, thoughts of competition, workload or obstacles bring you crashing down, so you step back and say

"tomorrow".

S

ound familiar? By now you know you're not alone. It's not a cliche,

it's the truth.

Do You Really Want It

You

absolutely must ask

yourself

"Do I really want it? How will "it" affect your life, today, tomorrow? What is the permanent opportunity cost?"

Do you still want it? The answer is:

"Yes"

,

"Yes, but not right now"

or

"No"

. Not maybe.

Decide. Do you want this?

Whether you

write

it,

envision

it or

talk to yourself

about it,

make the time to decide

 if you really want it and

make the decision permanent - commit.

Want It versus Feel Like It

Once you've decided that you really want

this - business | healthy eating habits | firm body | healthy marriage | family relationship

- you're not looking back.

You want this...but you're not going to feel that wayevery day.

Nothing I've mentioned above comes without hard work, and

you've never worked as hard as you're going to work for this.

Such is the true nature of dreams.

[

Cliche:

Nothing worth anything was ever easy.]

Summary: Do You Really Want It - Here's How To Go Get It

Importance of Motivation

I'm very visual and words are important to me so, for me,

Pinterest

is a God-send, when used wisely. I have created an

Inspiration Board

,

a 

Vision Board

 (hidden) 

and a

God Board

, that I look at whenever I start talking myself down or

procrastinating.

You have to find what works for you:

Develop a short speech you say every morning & when your resolve wanes | Listen to speeches | Take long walks | Write | Daydream about success | Run (Ha, ha. No, not 'run away' :p)

Do whatever it takes to motivate you - nothing is too weird.

[

Key: Commit a short time to doing that, then get back to the task at hand.

]

Importance of Support Systems

Support

is a funny word. Many will say the words, but many of those will keep bringing the "practical reality" your way, and it will always sound like

a list of "reasons you can't".

Run. I can't say it strongly or loudly enough.

RUN. They will keep you back.

Find people

that

you trust

,

that

believe in

what you're going for and will only provide

advice to propel you

forward. Spend most of your "people" time with them.

Find people

who've

succeeded at something crazy

or 'impossible', who are still optimistic about possibility, and have tea with them once a month.

That is reality.

Importance of Alone Time

Even if you hate being alone, you need this time to be productive. Having people around is great, but if this is your dream

you have to make time to do it.

You also have to commit to simply

making time to be with yourself;

to hear and face your own thoughts. [

Read:

Why Productive People Have Empty Schedules

. Not literally, perhaps, but good.]

Don't Look Back

None of this will "come naturally". You have to

form new habits

to commit to

alone time,

implement these

motivational changes

and develop those

support systems.

It's an uphill climb, but we've already decided that

it's worth it. Right?

[

Start today:

10 Reasons to Stop What You're Doing & Start Clearing Your Clutter

.]

More Support Online

If you'd like continuous

support for your dreams,

find more online:

Twitter

,

Pinterest

, Facebook Page

Entrepreneurs Courage

. 

I hate the new lack of privacy on social media, but I love encouraging others, so here's to my being a little open.